On Sucking

There are two things in life that it's a good thing that they suck: vacuum cleaners and babies. Thanks to Dad and Marvis, we have a sucking vacuum cleaner. But unfortunately, our baby doesn't suck.

Well, to clarify, he does suck, it's just that he doesn't do it properly, and he has trouble coordinating sucking with swallowing and breathing. This could be why he stopped breathing two weeks ago. So yesterday, we had an appointment with a speech-language pathologist to assess his sucking abilities.

This problem with sucking is why he has had trouble breastfeeding. He doesn't latch on properly, and then he basically chomps on my nipple instead of using his tongue to stretch the nipple/areola in his mouth and get the milk out. He wants to place his tongue over the nipple instead of underneath, where it belongs.

So I have been unable to provide him with the food he needs to grow. I do pump breastmilk for him, but that supplies maybe a quarter of his needs if I'm lucky on a good day. Thank goodness for formula.

We are working on his sucking and the SLP gave us some exercises to do with him to improve his sucking, such as holding his chin as he sucks. The hardest part is getting him to latch on properly, and then to maintain that latch. Theoretically speaking, once he figures out how to suck properly, the large amount of food he gets from it will be its own reward and he will learn in a single trial to keep doing it that way. In the meantime, we have to keep vigilant and take him off when he starts chewing again, and then reattach.


For some time I felt like I sucked as a mother. I couldn't breastfeed my own child, even though I wanted to, and a variety of other things made me feel guilty too. Talking to Rhonda really helped, as did learning more about just what the problem is. It's not me, it's really him. But it's just a developmental issue that we should be able to resolve.

I felt really guilty because I wanted my baby to have the best. And they say breastfeeding is best. "Babies are born to breastfeed." Et cetera. Even my mom, for all her shortcomings, breastfed me. So what was wrong with me that I couldn't do this simple thing for my son?

I also got into the old pattern of what I call "apocalyptic thinking," that is, thinking that any mistake will lead to imminent doom and destruction. For example, if we fed him with a bottle once, he would forget what a breast was for and then I'd never be able to breastfeed him. (In reality, he still remembers what a breast is for and tries to feed, still incorrectly.) Or he wouldn't get the right nutrition from formula and he'd grow up with problems. (In reality, his daddy was formula fed and turned out just fine.) And I even went so far as to think if there was a nuclear war or something, he would die because we wouldn't be able to get formula, whereas if I could breastfeed him, he would have a better chance of survival! (That was the ultimate in apocalyptic thinking, and made me realize how ridiculous I was being.)

It took me a while to work through the feelings of inadequacy but I realized that I need to set my goal as a mother at the same level as my goal as a professional. I'll never be the best mother in the world, but what I need to shoot for is being the best second-rate mother in the world. I'm going to give him the best that I can give him, and that will be more than enough. I know that I will screw up with him in my own special way, but I just need to be accepting of myself and my imperfections. He will have his issues with me and I need to be able to accept myself enough to be open to the fact that I make mistakes, and secure enough to know that I am still a good parent despite the inevitable mistakes.