On Tuesday, Jeff took Vinny to the pediatrician for a follow-up for his ear infection. When they were there, the doctor confirmed our fears: our three-month-old baby is teething!
Usually a baby doesn't begin teething until six months of age. But our little overachiever is getting a head start!
Speaking of overachievement, most people probably think that I am an overachiever. After all, I have a Ph.D. from a prestigious institution of higher learning and I work at a well-known national lab. I was the salutatorian of my high school (a math/science magnet school) and I graduated from college summa cum laude with Honors and Phi Beta Kappa.
But my self-image is the opposite: I see myself as a slacker. Growing up, I was the family slacker. I used to drive my mother crazy. "I wouldn't say you're lazy," she would declare. "But you'll never die of overwork."
I may have had a 4.0 grade-point average in high school, but it was a slacker's 4.0. You see, I did just enough work to get the lowest possible A in my difficult classes. My sisters never realized that they could work less, get a 92%, and still earn an A. They overworked and got higher percentages, which still showed up the same as mine on the transcript. But because the end does not justify the means, my 4.0 was worth less than theirs.
The statement that I would never die of overwork was meant derisively, and that is how I internalized this slacker self-image. Of course, now I ask myself, who in the world would want to die of overwork?
Workaholics, of course! Workaholism is a major issue in our family, passed down from both sides, but in particular along the maternal line. My maternal grandfather was a workaholic and so is my mother.
Laura and I were discussing workaholism when she was here visiting earlier this week. She struggles with workaholism too, and has been reading up on it recently. She shared with me the formula for workaholism: equal parts low self-esteem and megalomania.
We were instilled with the belief that we were elite people, given special gifts or talents, and that it was our duty to use them to save the world. Through these good works we would prove ourselves worthwhile. You can see the elements of megalomania (elite, special talents, saving the world) and low self-esteem (prove worthwhile). This combination of convictions is a recipe for workaholism.
Fortunately (?) I did not become a workaholic. Somehow I ended up with a generous helping of low self-esteem, but only a spoonful of megalomania. So while I feel that I need to prove myself, I don't think that I am superior to anyone, nor do I think I will ever be able to save the world. But I am stuck with the fear that others are judging me on a scale it is impossible for me to live up to.
For example, if I had just worked harder at it, I could have breastfed Vinny. If I paid more attention, I wouldn't make so many mistakes. If I had tried harder, I could have mended an irreparable family rift. If I were a more worthwhile person, I would be treated with more respect by those who (supposedly) know me best.
I am petrified that my boss will finally realize that I am not worth the money he pays me. I'm just sure that he's judging me by these standards that are impossible for me to satisfy. Fortunately for me, my boss understands that I'm human, even though I don't always understand that myself.
I would like for my son to live a full and happy life. This is the wish of almost all parents, and my own were no exceptions. The difference is that I don't want to do to him what was done to me. I would like for him to feel free to do whatever he wants to do with his life. At the same time, I would like to encourage him to behave ethically and responsibly. I was emotionally blackmailed into overachieving, and I don't want to do that to him. On the other hand, I want him to realize his potential and I don't want him to think I don't care how he does. So I need to figure out how to strike a balance.
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3 comments:
May I just say, having been there and seen it, you worked REALLY hard at breastfeeding. Most people would have given up much sooner.
I'm constantly amazed at how much we have in common. I was raised to be a workaholic. It's kind of a second religion for my mother. I ended up rejecting that lifestyle and the combination of low self esteem, and megalomania that's behind it, once I truly understood how much it messes up my mom's life. I may have escaped, but it's still a part of my upbringing, so I also frequently feel like I'm the lazy one in our family.
Hopefully Tommy will have a healthier idea of working hard and doing your best within reasonable limits. I don't ever want him to see me ignore family or health problems or cause unreasonable stress or anxiety for myself by trying to do that painful 5% better than good enough.
Oh, and Tommy's first tooth broke through just before he was 4 months old. He had all his teeth, including all the molars, before he turned 2. It sucks while you're going through it, especially if they do multiple teeth at one time, but you get to avoid the cranky, teething, big kid stage which I think is much worse than a cranky, teething baby.
As a fellow 4.0 slacker, I just never understood why others tried so hard to get the 100% when, like you said, 92% would still get you an A. From what I have learned in my various jobs and internships, it is better to usually do just enough to impress your boss while still not doing your best. That way, when you do put some serious effort into something, you will get greater notice and at the same time, you will not be expected to do THAT well all of the time.
But then again, that is just me.
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