Fostering: Continuing Education

EcoGeoFemme asks:
Do you feel like the training/continuing ed is useful, or just red tape? Have you learned anything from it?


Good question!  In principle, the training and continuing education is a great idea.  I can tell you from my brief experience so far, we can use all the help we can get!  But I actually have not yet taken a class so I don't know yet whether it is useful.  But there is one scheduled for sometime next month so I will update you on what I think.


Have any questions about foster parenting?  Feel free to leave them in the comments, and I'll answer as best I can!

Fostering: The Home Study

Ginger asked about the questions they ask during the home study.

The home study has two parts: first, examining your home to make sure that it is safe and has enough room for a child or children; and second, interviews with the family members. 

After she first arrived, I gave the social worker a tour of our house.  I took her to every room, told her how we used each room, and pointed out the room where the child would stay.  She made sure that we had sufficient smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, that all our medications were locked away, and the house and yard were safe in general.  There was a whole checklist of requirements, including things that did not apply to us (e.g., swimming pools must be fenced in).  We also had to have a bedroom that the child could sleep in -- they don't necessarily need a room to themselves, but it needs to be a bedroom and not a hallway or a shed(!).

Then, she interviewed me.  I was asked about my childhood and my general biographical history, my parents and siblings, how my parents disciplined me, the current status of my relationships with family members, my educational and employment history, my current job and how I feel about it, my religious beliefs and my openness to those with differing beliefs, how I handle anger, how I discipline Vinny, my relationship with Jeff.  I was also asked about any drug addicts or alcoholics in my immediate and extended families, and about Jeff's history with substances.  And at the end, I was asked what my goals were and what sort of foster care I would be interested in doing, and what types of children I would want to have.

On a second visit, Jeff was interviewed, and the questions were about the same.  The social worker interviewed Vinny, too, asking him what kinds of kids he would like to have stay with us.

After the interviews, the social worker wrote up a document about our house and about us, and sent it to us to revise and correct.  When we were satisfied that it was accurate, we signed a form to certify our approval and the home study process was complete!

In order to retain our license, we must have a home inspection annually, as well as stay current in CPR and First Aid certifications and receive 15 hours of continuing education each year.  Luckily the profiles of us will remain valid and we won't have to answer all those questions again unless we let the license expire!

Have any questions about foster parenting?  Feel free to leave them in the comments, and I'll answer as best I can!

Fostering: Q&A

GMP asked: From what you wrote it seems that prospective foster parents are quite thoroughly checked. In contrast, there are all these horror stories about foster care abuse cases in the news and TV shows -- do you feel they are grossly exaggerated?

I think there are varying degrees of abuse and mistreatment that occur in the foster care system, and the worst ones get sensationalized by the media.  The reasons for abuse and mistreatment in the foster care system are many.

First, foster parents are human beings, just like everyone else.  We all make mistakes with our biological children, and it is even harder to do the right thing every time with a child you don't know very well.  Foster children, who are justifiably hurting and scared, can react in very unexpected ways and really try your patience.  So if you are not well prepared or having a particularly bad day, you might reach the end of your rope before you know what happened.

Second, a lot of the people who are attracted to becoming foster parents had bad childhoods themselves.  They want to make up for their own bad childhoods by providing an abused or neglected child with the care they themselves could have used as a child.  While this is certainly a noble motivation, the foster parent's own childhood issues can result in them having a limited skillset when it comes to rearing children.  Couple this limited skillset with children who test your mettle and you can really have an explosive environment.

Third, there are evil people who want to become foster parents for the purpose of exploiting children.  The successful ones do not have criminal records and they have sufficient social skills that they can pass the home study process without tipping anyone off to their psychopathology.  In our classes, our teacher told us about a case where a man who did not (yet) have a criminal record became a foster parent for the sole purpose of grooming teenage girls so he could sexually abuse them.  Luckily they caught him before he could do much damage.

On my flight out of Alaska, I was seated next to an Alaskan foster mom.  We talked quite a bit, and compared notes about the foster care systems in our states.  The Tennessee system seems quite a bit more generous than the Alaska system, despite Tennessee's relative poverty as a state.  We receive more money to take care of the kids (sad, considering the extremely high cost of living in Alaska), and they do not receive respite care.  Our kids receive an allowance of $1/day, money that belongs to them, whereas Alaska's kids do not receive an allowance.  Also, Tennessee will pay for college or vocational training for youngsters who age out of the foster system, but Alaska does not.

I think this illustrates pretty clearly how different each state's system is.  That's why it seems to me that in some states the rules are more lax than in others, and there is more abuse within the system.  Florida is a state that seems to have a notoriously bad foster care system.  I'm sure this is due to the fact that the social workers are overworked and lack the resources to give all the children in the system the care that they need, and some end up falling through the cracks.

But even in the best systems, there will be mistakes and people get licensed who should not be.  And being a foster parent is hard!  I can understand how the frustration of it can lead people to make bad parenting choices out of desperation.  It's not an excuse but it is an explanation.


Have any questions about foster parenting?  Feel free to leave them in the comments, and I'll answer as best I can!

Fostering: Transitioning Children

The next step is to match us with a child to foster.  We are interested in adopting a child, so we are interested in finding a child whose parents rights have been terminated and is eligible for adoption.  We also have certain preferences about the child.  As I said earlier, we want a child who has a good chance of living on their own and being a contributing member of society with the help of our nurturing as they grow up.  We did not care about the child's race or ethnicity, sexual orientation, or gender identity, and in fact I told the social worker that we would be a good family for a GLBT child.

She has found a child that may be a good fit for our family.  As I said, I can't say anything about the child due to privacy issues, but I can tell you how the process is going to work.

Resource parents (foster parents) get two weekends a month free from doing foster care.  During that time the child goes to another household for respite care.  So, first we will be the respite care providers for this child for a while.  Then, if that goes well, the child will transition to living with us as our foster child.  And if that goes well, then after six months we will be allowed to adopt the child (with the child's permission if the child is above a certain age).  Adoption will not be mentioned to the child until that last step, because we don't want to get the child's hopes up in case it doesn't work out.

There are other types of fostering that other foster parents do.  As I mentioned, there is respite care, where you care for different children on the weekend so the regular week resource parents can get a break.  There are also step-down resource families, who care for a child for a period of approximately six months, as the child transitions from a group home environment back to their family.  And then there are emergency care resource parents, who take in children who have just been removed from their homes and are in need of a place to stay immediately.  We considered doing the step-down program until an adoptable child came along, because the percentage of children in the foster care system who are adoptable is actually pretty low.  But it seems like there is currently a child who might be a good fit in our family, so we are going to pursue that child.

Fostering: Paperwork and Red Tape

Of course there is a lot of paperwork to be done in order to become foster parents.  You have to give them a lot of information about your own upbringing, your family members and friends, and your finances.  They send forms to family and friends of your choosing who assess your personality, stability, and ability to care for children.  You have to show documentation about your family finances to make sure that you are not using the foster care payments to support yourselves.  You have to have a full physical to establish your fitness to care for children.  And you have to be fingerprinted and get a background check performed.

They inspect your house to make sure it is a safe place for a child.  You have to be able to provide the foster child with a bedroom, and preferably a private room if possible.  All your medications have to be locked away so that children can't get into them, and there must be enough smoke and carbon monoxide detectors in your house.

They interview you about your life, including your childhood, what sort of discipline techniques your parents used, and what you use.  Spanking or physical punishment of foster children is prohibited, as are other abusive punishments such as withholding food or locking them up.  Luckily we don't spank (or abuse!) in this household anyhow, so nothing had to change in that department.  They ask why you want to be a foster parent, and what sort of children you would prefer or be most compatible with.  Each of us was interviewed separately, and also asked about any drug use or addiction issues in our immediate and extended families.

Then, the social worker writes up the home study, provides a copy for us to review and correct, and files it after incorporating our comments.  We are now licensed foster parents.  The next step is setting us up with a foster child.

Fostering: Four Weeks of Training

In order to adopt a child from the foster care system in Tennessee, you have to complete 30 hours of training, become certified in CPR and first aid, and complete a home study.  Then, you are eligible to be a foster parent.  You have to do ten hours of continuing education, keep your CPR and first aid certifications up to date, and have your home inspected every year in order to remain a licensed foster home.  If you want to adopt a child whose parents rights have been terminated, you have to foster that child for at least six months before you are eligible to adopt them.  Depending on the child's age, he or she must agree to be adopted.

We began our classes the first week of October.  The first night was quite emotionally intense.  We watched a video with a man who had grown up in the foster care system and had never been adopted.  The losses he had sustained were still with him today, even though he is a highly successful doctor.  Listening to him talk about how he felt growing up, and just seeing the grief on his face tugged at my heartstrings.

I have experienced a limited amount of loss, but nothing like him (or any kid in the foster system).  But I could empathize somewhat with him.  Still, it was really eye-opening.

There was homework after every class, mostly review questions on the material we'd learned.  A lot of what we discussed about the kids and how to handle them I already knew, but maybe not in words.  The take-home message for me was that the kids may do things that appear strange and dysfunctional to you, but that in their previous environment, those behaviors serve a good function.  For example, an older kid may wet the bed because it's a good way to keep their abuser away.  The trick to changing those behaviors is to help the child feel in control and no longer need to do those things.  (Of course, that is often easier said than done.)

Fostering: the Origin of the Idea

When I was about ten, a woman from an international adoption agency came to our church and talked about international adoption.  It seemed like the most wonderful thing: we could essentially rescue a baby from a dead-end life and provide them with the unbounded opportunities that we have in this country.  A great way to save the world, one child at a time!  I was hooked.  I decided I would adopt a child when I grew up.

But as an adult, I began to see just how problematic international adoption is.  Wouldn't it be better to create opportunities for the child (and everyone else) in their home country instead of whisking one child out of there?  International adoption costs tens of thousands of dollars per child -- and that kind of money could go really far in an impoverished country towards satisfying the needs of many children.

Furthermore, there are many children right here at home who need families.  Why go halfway across the world when there are kids halfway across the city who could use your help?  I decided that adopting a local child would be best.

A lot of people prefer to adopt babies, which leaves a lot of older kids without a home.  This did not strike me as fair to those children.  I determined that I would want to adopt an older child.

That being said, I realized that I had some constraints.  I would want to adopt a child to provide him or her with opportunities that would enable the child to live independently and become a contributing member of society.  So I would be the most interested in adopting a child who had a high probability of being able to live independently and be successful.

Jeff was always aware that I wanted to adopt a child.  He wanted to have a biological child, which we did. After a lot of discussion and thinking it over, Jeff was ready to start down the adoption pathway with me.  So I looked at the state's website and tried to figure out how to be eligible to adopt a child from the child welfare system.  I made a couple of calls, trying to figure out what to do.  The state social worker suggested that I contact one of the private agencies that the state contracts with.  I looked at the websites of several local agencies, and finally connected with someone at an agency that I liked,* and signed us up for the classes.


* I was cautious about private agencies because most of them are religious-based (e.g., Catholic charities, Baptist adoption agencies, etc.), and I did not feel that they would be accepting of my reverse-traditional, nonreligious family.  But I found one that was secular so I went with them.

Our New Adventure

In October, Jeff and I embarked on a new adventure together.  It began with thirty hours of classes (plus homework, despite the promise I made to myself after graduating that I would never take another class again).

Lots of paperwork and elbow grease later, we are licensed foster parents (or, as we are called in Tennessee, resource parents).  Our first foster child arrives this next week, for 48 hours of respite care.

For privacy reasons, I can't tell you anything about the child, or even how the visit went after it is over.  But I can tell you about our journey: what made us decide to do it, and what we had to do to become licensed.